Okay, okay, I admit it...

It would be fair to say that the last 8 months or so I have been in denial to what or who I am.  But that all changed this week with the click of a mouse button when I was asked for my occupation at the bank.  I am not currently working was my reply, so with a CLICK I became a ‘housewife’.  Right before my eyes, CLICK, just like that.  Apparently there was no need to discuss this with me.  It seems that any woman who has children and isn’t in employment must be a housewife!  So the decision was made while I sat there quietly outraged (that’s my inner feminist) and Mr. P just smirked knowingly!

You see I haven’t really come to terms yet to say that I am a SAHM.  To all new people I meet and on any forms that I need to complete I am still an IT Manager.  Someone who works and has a life outside of children and the home, but who is currently having an unexpected extended break.  Why do I do this still?  No idea, but I have read some pretty good blogs recently about lost of identity and what life was like before children.  So I guess that pretty much sums up how I feel.  That with that little click the last 20 years of my life and experiences has somehow been wiped out.  That my role in life has now changed to that of a housewife because that is what society or the bank’s computer system thinks I am.  So what will this new role bring I ask?  Will I still be interesting to other people?  Will “Yes hello, I am currently at home with the kids” be met with blank stares or even worst that pitying smirk that some people like to give.  Will I lose whatever fashion sense I had while working and resort to anything that is comfy?  Will my ability to drink copious amounts of alcohol disappear since I no longer have work drinks or even worst am I am expected not to drink (copious amounts) since I am now a housewife? 

Now of course there is nothing wrong with being called a housewife, after all that is what many of my friends are.  But it does scream (well to me) images of a perfectly coiffure woman in an apron, holding babies and smiling sweetly at hubby.  Not the reality of a over tired woman trying to juggle housework, food shopping, school run, afterschool activities, cooking, bathing and story reading.

But the alternatives are not any better, Home Executive, Home maker, Soccer Mom, Lady of the house, Home Economist!  I mean really, am I the only one that thinks this? 

I think I will settle for what my mum used to say in her younger days when we were all still at home… “wife, mother, chief cook and bottle washer”. 

Just try fitting that into your little box Mr. Bank Manager!

This is harder than I thought...

It’s almost 3 months since I stopped work and I have to say it is all still feels a bit weird for me and I am still struggling with it all.  The struggle I have is not with looking after the boys, which it is fair to say not always a smooth run, but the struggle is with me.

I wrote in my first post about why I stopped working and how important work is to me as a person.  When I got made redundant I made the decision to stop working to be with the boys, while we decide as a family what we are going to do.  In other words, do we stay or do we go, but that is another long story!  I know that I am in an enviable position compared to a lot of mums and dads who would like to be able to be at home with their children.   I know that eventually I will go back to work, and that whatever happens my family will come first....

So where is the struggle you may ask?  To answer that honestly would be to say “is this it”!  I know I may not make myself popular about saying this but I just feel something is missing, a bit unfulfilled perhaps, if that is the word?  In not working? Being at home? I’m not sure.  Don’t get me wrong, my days are busy with the boys and all the other stuff that needs to be done but I do have moments when I just think to myself “really is this it”, that this isn’t enough for me.  If you asked me whether I loved being at home with the boys I would have to think about it, and most probably say ‘Yes’.  But really deep down inside me I think the answer would be ‘No’.  I don’t love it but I do enjoy it.  I like being there when they need their mummy, seeing my youngest reach development milestones that I missed with my eldest as I was working. 

But just because I am a mum does that mean I should just naturally fall happily into this role that family\friends\society dictates for me?  Is it because I was brought up surrounded by strong female role models who had worked or were working that I have this need to do so myself.  Am I just trying to prove to them and to the rest of the world that yes I can do and have it all?  Or do I, as a wise friend has said, need to give it a bit more time? 

So does admitting what I feel, make me a bad mum or even a bad person? 

Surely I am not the only other mum (or dad) that feels or felt like this?  I can’t be the only one that finds it a struggle?  For me being a mum is only part of the whole person I am.