It’s almost 3 months since I stopped work and I have to say it is all still feels a bit weird for me and I am still struggling with it all. The struggle I have is not with looking after the boys, which it is fair to say not always a smooth run, but the struggle is with me.
I wrote in my first post about why I stopped working and how important work is to me as a person. When I got made redundant I made the decision to stop working to be with the boys, while we decide as a family what we are going to do. In other words, do we stay or do we go, but that is another long story! I know that I am in an enviable position compared to a lot of mums and dads who would like to be able to be at home with their children. I know that eventually I will go back to work, and that whatever happens my family will come first....
So where is the struggle you may ask? To answer that honestly would be to say “is this it”! I know I may not make myself popular about saying this but I just feel something is missing, a bit unfulfilled perhaps, if that is the word? In not working? Being at home? I’m not sure. Don’t get me wrong, my days are busy with the boys and all the other stuff that needs to be done but I do have moments when I just think to myself “really is this it”, that this isn’t enough for me. If you asked me whether I loved being at home with the boys I would have to think about it, and most probably say ‘Yes’. But really deep down inside me I think the answer would be ‘No’. I don’t love it but I do enjoy it. I like being there when they need their mummy, seeing my youngest reach development milestones that I missed with my eldest as I was working.
But just because I am a mum does that mean I should just naturally fall happily into this role that family\friends\society dictates for me? Is it because I was brought up surrounded by strong female role models who had worked or were working that I have this need to do so myself. Am I just trying to prove to them and to the rest of the world that yes I can do and have it all? Or do I, as a wise friend has said, need to give it a bit more time?
So does admitting what I feel, make me a bad mum or even a bad person?
Surely I am not the only other mum (or dad) that feels or felt like this? I can’t be the only one that finds it a struggle? For me being a mum is only part of the whole person I am.