Thursday, 19 May 2011

This is harder than I thought...

It’s almost 3 months since I stopped work and I have to say it is all still feels a bit weird for me and I am still struggling with it all.  The struggle I have is not with looking after the boys, which it is fair to say not always a smooth run, but the struggle is with me.
I wrote in my first post about why I stopped working and how important work is to me as a person.  When I got made redundant I made the decision to stop working to be with the boys, while we decide as a family what we are going to do.  In other words, do we stay or do we go, but that is another long story!  I know that I am in an enviable position compared to a lot of mums and dads who would like to be able to be at home with their children.   I know that eventually I will go back to work, and that whatever happens my family will come first....
So where is the struggle you may ask?  To answer that honestly would be to say “is this it”!  I know I may not make myself popular about saying this but I just feel something is missing, a bit unfulfilled perhaps, if that is the word?  In not working? Being at home? I’m not sure.  Don’t get me wrong, my days are busy with the boys and all the other stuff that needs to be done but I do have moments when I just think to myself “really is this it”, that this isn’t enough for me.  If you asked me whether I loved being at home with the boys I would have to think about it, and most probably say ‘Yes’.  But really deep down inside me I think the answer would be ‘No’.  I don’t love it but I do enjoy it.  I like being there when they need their mummy, seeing my youngest reach development milestones that I missed with my eldest as I was working. 
But just because I am a mum does that mean I should just naturally fall happily into this role that family\friends\society dictates for me?  Is it because I was brought up surrounded by strong female role models who had worked or were working that I have this need to do so myself.  Am I just trying to prove to them and to the rest of the world that yes I can do and have it all?  Or do I, as a wise friend has said, need to give it a bit more time? 
So does admitting what I feel, make me a bad mum or even a bad person? 
Surely I am not the only other mum (or dad) that feels or felt like this?  I can’t be the only one that finds it a struggle?  For me being a mum is only part of the whole person I am.

15 comments:

Fox in the City said...

Admitting it most certain does NOT make you a bad mom, it makes you an honest one.

Although I am struggling here at work at the moment, I know that I would be a terrible SAHM. To be perfectly honest, I find it boring. I love the idea of it, but I can't seem to find the joy in it.

That is just me. I think those moms who do stay at home are awesome. They have something that is missing in me.
Jenn

Frankie P said...

That is exactly what i think, hats off to them all..

Katie aka Mummydaddyme said...

I feel like you sometimes. Sometimes I love being off with my daughter and sometimes I do feel like all I do is talk about babies. Thats why i love doing my blog, it gives me something to do that I have to concentrate over. I am dreading going back to work but thats because I had to travel with my job- I am looking to hopefully do something part time. x

Frankie P said...

Ditto, i started the blog to have somehting to think about. even if the stuff i write is pretty random.. Hope you manage to get something part time... x

Nick Turrell said...

it's a big change in anyone's life, whether you're a mum or a dad and it takes a while to adapt to the new lifestyle, hang in there

Stigmum said...

My cousin (wks part-time) said last I saw her, feeling really guilty: "You know, I love my daughter, I just hate being a mother." I found it so refreshing! I said "That's alright, I love my son and I love being a mother, I just hate some of the jobs.." We chinked glasses and gulped down the nectar. You a bad mother/person for saying you feel something missing? Not bloody likely! I love being a SAHM even though society doesn't see me as one or want me to be one and I do an utter shite job of it to be honest and I'm sure I wouldn't love it so much if I didn't (heh heh) blog because it's hard and while he's at school, repetitive but if I worked (at another job), then I'd miss stuff like his school assembly.
Perhaps, feeling like something is missing, is normal.
Dare I say that (gulp)?

Emma said...

Gosh, Stigmum's comment about loving your children but hating being a mother makes so much sense sometimes! Mostly I enjoy being a SAHM (forced upon me, not by choice through this working abroad business!), but it is the toughest job I have ever had in my life! It's also the least paid, and the most stressful, but it does often have the best rewards.

Having said all that, there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that you don't often love it. I am sure that many people feel that deep down too.

Emma xxx

Frankie P said...

thanks everyone for your comments, good to know its just not me that feels like this.. i am sure it will get better x

Debbie said...

I bin there too & came out the other side with my sanity intact. I hated being just a SAHM, but couldn't face going back to full- time work. For me the solution was to find a small part time income ( to give my brain a challenge) and to spend some of that income on a cleaner ( because I hate & resent the cleaning) and some on a babysitter so I can go out and do my hobby (singing) once a week. Now I am a much happier & more balanced mummy.

Frankie P said...

Hi Debbie, sounds like you have find the right balance which is what i need to do. Would eventually like to go back part time jsut not sure doing what...

Lady Banana said...

I was a SAHM.. I was frequently quite miserable about it as well but couldn't bring myself to leave my 3 with anyone else all day to enable me to work..

I loved being with my 3, but sometimes, like you, I felt - is this it?!

My 3 are all grown now and looking back the time passed soo very quickly, so whatever your circumstances enjoy those little ones as much as you can, before you know it they'll be staying out all night, coming in drunk, bringing home boys/girls etc etc. lol

mothersalwaysright said...

I don't think it makes you a bad mum at all. Being a stay at home mum isn't for everyone, just like being a working mum isn't for everyone. There's no "right" or "wrong" decision. The "right" decision is just whatever works best for you. I know if I didn't work I wouldn't feel completely fulfilled in myself - but we need the money too so it's not an option. Mind you, there are some days I hanker after a less stressful existence that didn't involve me juggling being a mum with working.

I hope you find something to help you feel a bit more fulfilled - and in the meantime try and enjoy being with your boys but don't beat yourself up about the way you feel. x

Frankie P said...

Lady Banana and mothersalwaysright.. thanks for both your comments. it is reassuring to know that others feel ot felt the same...

Tracey@Internationalfoodie said...

loving the blog.. and hope you are enjoying finding your voice! Must get together again soon to talk 'inspiration'!! Txx

Babes about Town said...

I hear you, mama. So many of us feel like that because we were people, before we became mums, and we remain people with our own needs, goals and wishes for personal fulfilment.

I think the best thing is to try and embrace the role without being defined by the role. Sometimes it's the expectations tied up in being a 'SAHM' that get me down i.e. that i'm now supposed to be a perfect homemaker...uh, NOT!

That's why so many of us at home mums find other things to keep us busy too - whether that's blogging, part-time/freelance work, or even a new business. Helps to keep crazy at bay!