Okay, okay, I admit it...

It would be fair to say that the last 8 months or so I have been in denial to what or who I am.  But that all changed this week with the click of a mouse button when I was asked for my occupation at the bank.  I am not currently working was my reply, so with a CLICK I became a ‘housewife’.  Right before my eyes, CLICK, just like that.  Apparently there was no need to discuss this with me.  It seems that any woman who has children and isn’t in employment must be a housewife!  So the decision was made while I sat there quietly outraged (that’s my inner feminist) and Mr. P just smirked knowingly!

You see I haven’t really come to terms yet to say that I am a SAHM.  To all new people I meet and on any forms that I need to complete I am still an IT Manager.  Someone who works and has a life outside of children and the home, but who is currently having an unexpected extended break.  Why do I do this still?  No idea, but I have read some pretty good blogs recently about lost of identity and what life was like before children.  So I guess that pretty much sums up how I feel.  That with that little click the last 20 years of my life and experiences has somehow been wiped out.  That my role in life has now changed to that of a housewife because that is what society or the bank’s computer system thinks I am.  So what will this new role bring I ask?  Will I still be interesting to other people?  Will “Yes hello, I am currently at home with the kids” be met with blank stares or even worst that pitying smirk that some people like to give.  Will I lose whatever fashion sense I had while working and resort to anything that is comfy?  Will my ability to drink copious amounts of alcohol disappear since I no longer have work drinks or even worst am I am expected not to drink (copious amounts) since I am now a housewife? 

Now of course there is nothing wrong with being called a housewife, after all that is what many of my friends are.  But it does scream (well to me) images of a perfectly coiffure woman in an apron, holding babies and smiling sweetly at hubby.  Not the reality of a over tired woman trying to juggle housework, food shopping, school run, afterschool activities, cooking, bathing and story reading.

But the alternatives are not any better, Home Executive, Home maker, Soccer Mom, Lady of the house, Home Economist!  I mean really, am I the only one that thinks this? 

I think I will settle for what my mum used to say in her younger days when we were all still at home… “wife, mother, chief cook and bottle washer”. 

Just try fitting that into your little box Mr. Bank Manager!

This is still Hard.. But it is getting Better...

So it’s been 5 months now since I became a SAHM.  In case you don’t know the back history this was a choice I made after being made redundant in March and why I started to blog.  Yes, I know, I was lucky enough to be able to make that decision so I shouldn’t be moaning about things.

However 5 months on, it has been pretty much life changing and hard, and to be honest it still is for me.  So let me share with you the things that I really truly hate and seem to struggle with about being a SAHM.  So in no particular order we have..

Mealtimes:  I hate meal times with a fucking passion.  In fact I have always hated organising dinner so it’s just not since the kids came along. But really having to organise meals for a day and then plan a week really does my head in.  My husband isn’t a foodie at all, so eating to him is something you need to do to survive.  So asking him what he would like to eat for dinner is rather pointless, “not fussed” or “whatever” are the usual response!  To make matters worse he can’t really cook either, I blame his mum and first wife for that one!  Then there is the delights of my little angels, luckily the Son No 2 will still hoover anything I put in front of him but not Son No 1.  It is a constant battle to get him to eat his dinner, unless of course it is baked beans.  Many a day I have spent cooking meals for him, for him to turn around and refuse to eat, he won’t even taste the bloody stuff.  At the moment he doesn’t like, pasta, rice, noodles or potatoes..  Oh, why do I bother, perhaps a diet of baked beans will be good for him!

Housework:  I am not talking about the tiding up of things.  I mean the actual back breaking tedious housework of mopping floors, dusting, cleaning sticky finger prints of doors etc.  We used to have a cleaner when I was working who would pop in for a couple of hours a week to do all this.  But on stopping work I decided we didn’t need her anymore, oh what a bad move that was.  I resent the fact that I have to do all of this, I know I am at home and have the time to do it but that doesn’t make it any better.  Mr P would be happy to do some of it during the weekend but then that would eat up what valuable family time we have in the weekend.  So big question is do I get the cleaner back?  No, as I can’t justify it really if I am at home twiddling my thumbs.

Children Chitchat:  Not talking about the funny day to day chit chat with my boys what I am talking about is mothers I meet who incessantly talk about their little darlings and their deeds.  Let’s get this straight, “yes I am a mum but I have been on this fair planet for the best part of 40 years and in that time I have done more than give birth to two little mini me’s.  I have in fact done many things like, swum in the Borneo rainforest, canoed down the Zambezi, and ridden elephants, does that interest you?  No?  Then why do you think I am interested in what your little darling is doing and what he\she got on their report card?  Please is there anything else you would like to talk about, any current affairs, I will even do celebrity gossip?”

School Holidays:  Nothing needs to be said about this other than they seem to be on holiday all the time and it fucks up MY routine!

So as you can see it’s a short list, and it is getting better.  The good points really are starting to outweigh what I hate or struggle with. 

The one thing that is making it better for me is having the opportunity to watch the relationship and companionship between my sons develop and grow.  The idolisation of the eldest from the younger, the teaching, torture and tormenting from the eldest to the younger,  the battle for possession of toys (the eldest hides them!), the ongoing violence, the ability of the youngest to ‘hold his own’ in battle, all interrupted by small bouts of genuine warmth to each other and playing together nicely.  Things I wouldn’t see if I was working...

This is harder than I thought...

It’s almost 3 months since I stopped work and I have to say it is all still feels a bit weird for me and I am still struggling with it all.  The struggle I have is not with looking after the boys, which it is fair to say not always a smooth run, but the struggle is with me.

I wrote in my first post about why I stopped working and how important work is to me as a person.  When I got made redundant I made the decision to stop working to be with the boys, while we decide as a family what we are going to do.  In other words, do we stay or do we go, but that is another long story!  I know that I am in an enviable position compared to a lot of mums and dads who would like to be able to be at home with their children.   I know that eventually I will go back to work, and that whatever happens my family will come first....

So where is the struggle you may ask?  To answer that honestly would be to say “is this it”!  I know I may not make myself popular about saying this but I just feel something is missing, a bit unfulfilled perhaps, if that is the word?  In not working? Being at home? I’m not sure.  Don’t get me wrong, my days are busy with the boys and all the other stuff that needs to be done but I do have moments when I just think to myself “really is this it”, that this isn’t enough for me.  If you asked me whether I loved being at home with the boys I would have to think about it, and most probably say ‘Yes’.  But really deep down inside me I think the answer would be ‘No’.  I don’t love it but I do enjoy it.  I like being there when they need their mummy, seeing my youngest reach development milestones that I missed with my eldest as I was working. 

But just because I am a mum does that mean I should just naturally fall happily into this role that family\friends\society dictates for me?  Is it because I was brought up surrounded by strong female role models who had worked or were working that I have this need to do so myself.  Am I just trying to prove to them and to the rest of the world that yes I can do and have it all?  Or do I, as a wise friend has said, need to give it a bit more time? 

So does admitting what I feel, make me a bad mum or even a bad person? 

Surely I am not the only other mum (or dad) that feels or felt like this?  I can’t be the only one that finds it a struggle?  For me being a mum is only part of the whole person I am.

That holiday feeling....

Being the first week of not working I found myself walking from room to room not exactly looking for things to do just wandering about talking to myself.  I kept being drawn over to my laptop to check my work email, only to remember that there wouldn’t be any.  On the couple of times I went up to London on the train I was desperately wanting to check my personal email.  A wee habit that I got into while commuting back and forth from London, only to realise that that I no longer had a blackberry.

Is it possible to have withdrawal symptoms from not having a blackberry or working, well after the week I have had I think the answer to that would be yes.

So how did I fill the first week?  Well I would like to say by going to the gym, cooking healthy meals for my boys and endless coffee mornings but that is far from the truth.  I spent it feeling a little sorry for myself and when in that state I tend to do pointless shopping.  Some people comfort eat I comfort shop!!  So needless to say my boys now have clothes they don’t need and I have acquired more pots and pans and chocolate biscuits than I need. 

I did however manage to write a “TO DO” list.  You know a list of what needs to be done around the house, things that I have been putting off for ages as I was too busy with work and the boys...  Obviously I have no excuses now not to do these things I just can’t be bothered at the moment to begin to tackle what is on the list.  Think I will put that down to still feeling sorry for myself..

So in short it was a very unproductive week, where I just felt like I was on holiday; the cleaner is still coming round, groceries are still being delivered and the boys are still eating M&S kids’ meals. 

So what is in store for this week, well for one I need to get a grip on reality and realise that it is not all that bad in the great scheme of things.  I have friends who would give their front teeth to not have to work, who think I am really lucky.  So with that in mind I am going to embrace the fact that I don’t have to go to work and start doing all the things I need to do..

I will let you know how I get on...